When I was in year 5, the holy grail of playground achievement was a terrifying gymnastic manoeuvre known as The Marina. To achieve The Marina, you sat up on one part of the monkey bars and then propelled yourself backwards, completing a hands-free reverse somersault that had you landing gracefully in the tanbark (aka those treacherous dagger-like wood chips) at the end.

My limbs were too long and my heart too faint to ever be able to master the move –      yet I still showed up to countless recess training sessions to hang upside down in hopes of one day achieving greatness.

It’s only in the past couple of years, as I’ve been called back to the playground as a grown-up, that I have come to realise the athletic prowess and sheer child-like optimism that life on the monkey bars demands.

There will come a time in your life when play equipment once again becomes a key scene of your social life. Whether it’s with your nieces and nephews, your mates’ kids or your own, it’s likely you will be around children who are in desperate need of entertainment and a way to burn off energy. When this happens, you’ll likely be some distance from the form you were in during your primary school days. It’s a fact you may only realise, as I did, when you hear your arm crack while reaching up to grab onto the handle of a flying fox for the first time in decades.

So whenever you’re summoned to the bars once again, here are four rules for getting back on that (likely rocking) horse without any injuries to your ancient spine, or your pride. 

LIMBER UP There’s no shame in trying to get your stretches in before you hit the slide. You wouldn’t start a gym workout without a warm-up, right? It might look innocent, but a trip to the park will demand exertion from you, even if it’s just watching out for the safety of the small humans you are supervising. Your ego is at risk here, too. I first realised exactly how far I was from my Marina-performing days when, while at a picnic with friends, I attempted to swing across a low set of monkey bars without limbering up and immediately dropped to the ground like a stone. A child I did not know turned to her friend and said, “That lady got stuck on the first one.” Ouch. So wear proper shoes, prepare your vessel, and don’t underestimate your opponent.

DON’T BE A HERO If there is one truth in this world, it’s that when you’re an adult nobody is waiting for you to perform some sick trick on the bars. While reuniting with the playground may make you reminisce about your glory days, you do not have to attempt to relive them exactly. I once witnessed a guy throw his shoulder out while competing with a literal eight-year-old to ascend a small climbing wall, which no doubt resulted in a fun conversation with his physio later. Before attempting any trick, take a second to imagine how you’d explain the source of your injury to a health professional (or worse – your peers) if it went wrong.

GIVE WAY Playgrounds are devoid of traffic regulations even though they are one of the locations most in need of stop signs. It’s important to have your wits about you, especially around the fancy equipment that now dominates adventure playgrounds, like zip lines and rope courses. Keep a safe distance from the swings while they are in motion, at least attempt proper line etiquette at the slippery dips, and be prepared for rogue operators to reverse or accelerate towards you without warning.

REMEMBER: TANBARK CAN BE WEIRDLY HARD It doesn’t make any sense that a surface designed to prevent injury is so prickly, but it’s true. The playground gods protect kids from this fact – I can’t remember it ever hurting me in primary school. But as someone who recently went home with several gnarly splinters, I’m here to warn you about the perils of playground mulch. Keep it in mind before you sit down heavily on a pile of glorified wood chips while in your activewear.

This rant was featured in frankie issue 121. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop, subscribe or visit one of our lovely stockists.