Every cat owner remembers their first time – the first time your cat voluntarily crawls onto your lap and settles down like a furry hot water bottle. It’s a sign that you’re a fundamentally good and trustworthy person, rather than the selfish and cynical arsehole you suspect yourself to be. A small mammal who’s sort of your prisoner loves you, and that’s all that matters in the world. When our rescue kitten, Monkey, first crawled onto my lap, I turned to my wife and gave her a look of ecstatic wonder, which she insists was somehow more ecstatic and more wondrous than the look I gave her on our wedding day. So, the big question: how do you trick a cat into loving you earn a cat’s affection?

PLAY HARD TO GET Cats aren’t just smaller, cuter dogs. They’re more like Tinder dates. Treat them with reciprocal indifference, and you’ll probably make them curious. Eventually they’ll text you back (metaphorically speaking). On the other hand, if you come on all clingy and demonstrative, at least on the first date, you’re more likely to freak your cat out. Take things slow and build trust. Make offhand remarks about seeing other cats on the side.

GIVE THEM SPACE For new kittens, it helps to give them some personal space. This isn’t possible in every home, but even a little corner with a box, or a bed, can help. Somewhere they can chill in peace, without people stomping around and patting them all the time. In Monkey’s case, we basically gave him our entire bathroom for three weeks. In the beginning, he didn’t venture far beyond his box, but we left the door open and gradually he began making more adventurous sorties, exploring the house on his terms. Within two weeks he’d attacked my socks and eaten our favourite monstera.

BRIBE THEM SHAMELESSLY If cats could open salmon cans, they wouldn’t need us at all. Fortunately they can’t, so we have what veterinarians call ‘emotional leverage’. It’s pretty easy to win your cat’s affection over time with delicious treats, tidbits and even catnip (just be aware, if your cat eats too much catnip, it can cause an upset tummy). This isn’t cheating. It’s the basis for all healthy relationships. You wined and dined your partner in the beginning too, didn’t you?

NO TUMMY RUBS A rookie error first-time cat owners often make is rubbing a cat’s tummy, like a dog. Cats really hate this sort of thing. A cat’s stomach is their most vulnerable area. The hair follicles there are hyper-sensitive to touch. If you give them a vigorous tummy rub, they’ll probably ‘bunny kick’ you, which isn’t as cute as it sounds. Instead, scratch your cat under the chin, on the cheeks and behind the ears. If you do it right, their eyes will half-close with pleasure and they’ll tell all their friends how talented you are.  

SLOW BLINK FOR THE WIN If your cat looks you in the eye and blinks very slowly, that’s cat language for “I love you”. It’s their version of a smile. You can slow blink right back at them, to let them know, “I acknowledge your love, and the feeling is mutual.” Small caveat: some cats see eye contact as a challenge, or a threat, at least in strangers, so save your first slow blink for when your cat does it to you. Don’t be the one to make the first move.

Remember, most cats are aloof, tuna-obsessed narcissists. If you can accept that, you’re well on the way. Play it cool, give them space, and let them come to you. They will when they’re hungry. Trust me.  

This guide comes straight from the pages of issue 112. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop, subscribe or visit one of our lovely stockists.