Working in an office is like a long kids’ party, but without all the colour, joy, excitement and purpose. There’s a never-ending game of musical chairs as colleagues get picked off by layoffs, mergers and bullies. We play pass-the-parcel, handballing work and emails down the chain, with some poor sap at the end left doing the work. And, of course, the highlight of the day: we all sit slack-jawed in endless meetings as a clown parades around in front of us spouting made-up words and business magic. Sadly, there are no lolly bags or balloons, and we only get cake a few times a year when we all descend on it like famished vultures.

You can find fulfilling work that you love, and yet still get stuck in pointless meetings that suck your time and energy. While you can’t leave the room physically, I’m going to teach you how to mentally evacuate. I’m no meditation expert, but I’m very talented at letting my brain leave the room while still looking like I’m present. (I should put that on my LinkedIn profile.) Once you’ve nailed this, meetings become an opportunity to let your brain wander and be where it wants. I can’t help you with the endless emails and layoffs, though. They get us all eventually.

SHIFT FOCUS First, you need to find ways to shift your focus from the content of the meeting. You want to be present but not focused. For me, this is far too easy. For those with better attention spans, you’re going to have to rip yourself away from the sales team’s presentation and let your mind go wherever it wants. This may get dark; it may get inappropriate – just roll with it. Maybe your brain wants to plan dinner, think about clouds or ponder the sex lives of colleagues. This is the first step, so invest some time in mastering it. You might fear being called upon in the meeting and busted zoning out. Don’t fear it. Embrace it. When it happens, respond with, “Can you repeat the question?” That’s it. That’s all you need to say. Want to look more diligent? Try: “I’m still thinking about your last point. Lots to dig into there. Can you repeat the question?”

THINK ABOUT YOUR BREATH While most meditation techniques recommend breathing deeply, I’m going to suggest you limit your breathing completely. You’re never going to transcend the meeting room when you’re breathing recycled air filled with the grit of filthy aircon vents, Kevin’s Lynx deodorant and the stale sweat of stressed-out colleagues. And while you can’t smell all the pheromones and anxiety in the air, your body can on a deeper level. Stop poisoning yourself with that stuff. Tiny puffs, in and out, like you’re in a giant fart cloud. Because you probably are.

UNCLENCH EVERY MUSCLE When you enter the office in the morning, you probably automatically clench every muscle in your body. Not in a dramatic way, but in tiny, barely perceptible ways. Everything just gets a little tighter. Actively work on releasing your muscles. Use that old technique of scanning your body from your feet up, relaxing every muscle as you go. Hot tip: avoid unclenching your sphincter. Farting in a meeting will definitely break your trance.

LOOK ACTIVELY ENGAGED If you stare off into the distance, drooling a little, the jig is up. You need a trance mask. The easiest way to do this is to keep your facial expressions moving no matter how deep you burrow into your brain. Practising these movements while mentally present is a great way to develop the muscle memory needed to pull it off when you’re not there. Look at and around the speaker, glance down at your notebook. Don’t forget the occasional considered nod – this doesn’t need to relate to what’s being discussed.

PICTURE YOUR BODY DEPARTING The next step is to shift your focus to visualising yourself leaving the room. Maybe in your mind you walk through the door, or maybe you float up from your seat and through the window or roof. Or, stick with me, maybe you just actually get up and leave. You can always claim you had bad tacos the night before or, even better, just never return. How does that feel? You may find yourself filled with an overwhelming sense of calm and relief. That’s normal. Congratulations, you’ve reached enlightenment and possibly unemployment.

This how-to guide comes straight from the pages of issue 119. To get your mitts on a copy, swing past the frankie shop, subscribe or visit one of our lovely stockists.